No, I am your Pappy…

A clue from an Imperial droid that was down on its luck has brought Luke to a new planet in search of his father whose true identity remains a mystery.  Hopeful he will be able to find more information, Luke climbs down from his X-Wing and sets out on his search.

What’s this?  Something left behind by Pappy Van Winkle?  Who could this mysterious “Pappy” be?  Is it something left behind by Luke’s very own Pappy?  Luke isn’t sure, but adventurous spirit that he is, he can see only one course of action to find out more.

Luke bravely climbs to the summit and inserts his trusty Jedi straw into the liquid that “Pappy” left behind.  Little does he realize, however, that he has walked right into a trap!  The fiendish Darth Vader looks on gleefully expectant.

Darth Vader celebrates his success.  With Luke out of commission, thanks to the powerful effect of some especially powerful spirits, the dark lord can take the young Jedi’s starship for his own.

While he is rejoicing, however, Darth Vader feels a sharp pang of compassion in his semi-mechanical heart.  Now that’s a feeling I have not felt in a long time…a long time, thinks Vader.  He isn’t sure what it means, except that he will be forced to change his plans.

Being as careful as he can to avoid large rocks, Darth Vader drags Luke back to his X-Wing…

…And covers him up for what will surely be a fitful sleep.

As Vader walks away, leaving the helpless, hapless Luke to sleep off his mistake, he hopes silently to himself that the young Jedi will learn from this experience and not be so hasty in the future.  Perhaps then, Vader thinks, the boy will become a truly worthy adversaryAnd then there will surely be no room for mercy in my heart…

Training Day

During a stop at a mushroom-shaped planet for some routine maintenance, the happy-go-lucky crew of the Millennium Falcon picked up a mysterious stranger in a green hat.  The stranger seemed very interested in the ways of the Jedi, so Luke grabbed his light saber to give him a first-hand look at the power of the Force.

With his blast shield down, however, Luke soon became disoriented, and although Obi-Wan tried to warn him, the stranger didn’t understand the danger he was in…

…until it was too late.

“WAAAAAAA!!!”

The young Jedi’s panicked reaction left the disappointed Obi-Wan to clean up the mess and mutter quietly to himself.

Before long, however, Luke’s guilty conscience brought him back to the scene.

“Luke,” said Obi-Wan.  “You have learned a valuable lesson today.  A Jedi must remain calm in all situations.”

“You’re right, Ben,” said Luke.  “I still have a long way to go before I’m a true Jedi master, don’t I?”

“Patience, young Luke.  Now come, let us put this unfortunate instance behind us and never speak of it again.”

“EeeeAArrggHH?!”* said Chewbacca (*translation: Hi guys!  What’s going on over here?)

“WAAAAAAA!!!” said the two Jedi, and they ran away to look for a good place to hide.

“EeeeeArgHHhh?”* (translation: So…I guess no one wants to play Space Chess?)

Do you believe in magic?

Harry Potter, after vanquishing He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and before marrying Ginny Weasley, spent some time traveling throughout the universe on a broom enchanted specially for him by Hermione.  Whether Harry truly just happens upon trouble or whether he looks for it, he stumbled upon an even worse foe: Darth Vader.  Knowing that he was a strong enough wizard to defeat You-Know-Who without using the Unforgivable Curses, he hardly flinched when faced with the mere robotic shell of a man that was Darth Vader.

Being a most powerful Jedi Master, however, Darth Vader read Harry Potter’s mind before Harry even knew he was thinking that he’d defeat Vader without using the Unforgivable Curses.  Before Harry knew what was happening, Vader lifted his wand right from his hand.  “Accio wand!” Harry cried, but to no avail.  Darth’s iron Jedi grip was stronger than any spell “The Boy Wizard” could conjure.

“This isn’t a challenge,” thought Darth as he read the racing thoughts that ran through Harry’s mind.  “This one won’t come to the Dark Side, and fighting him won’t even be fun.”  With that thought, Vader took his light saber and sliced Harry’s head off.

“‘Boy Who Lived’ my ass,” he mumbled as he tossed down Harry’s wand and imperial marched away.

Goodbye Christmas

Twas a week after Christmas, and all through the house, nothing was stirring…except for Darth Vader.

The ornaments still hung on the branches with care, gave Vader a dastardly tree-climbing stair.

His eyes on the prize at the top of the tree, the evil Sith lord zoomed up past the sweets, for he knew from the top of the needly peak upon the whole living room could his vengeance be wreaked.

At last he alit on the Christmas tree’s tip and prepared to unleash his cold, steely grip, when who to his wondering eyes should appear, but Eddie, in flight with a smug little sneer.

“Hi, Darth,” Eddie croaked.  “Why’d you climb to the top?  With this spaceship I made it up here like a hop!”  And with that Vader’s rage found a new place to land: on poor, cocky Eddie, that foul little man.

Darth sprang into the ship and threw Ed out the hatch: “Take that, you dumb twerp, and enjoy the trip back!”  And all heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight, “Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good flight!”

Playground Fun?

Han, Leia, and Chewy were taking a much deserved break from the constant pressure of fighting the Empire, choosing to relax by playing a bit of jump rope.  Chewy was dying to show off a new jump rope rhyme he learned on Dantooine and Han and Leia were only too happy to humor him.  They were so engrossed in their fun, they didn’t notice anyone lurking nearby…

…which was unfortunate for suddenly three bruisers from the Empire showed up.  Darth, in his constant (but secret) quest to impress his daughter used the force to manipulate the jump rope they had just been using.  His evil tendencies, as always, won out over his paternal ones.  Leia and her friends remained entangled in the jump rope while Q6-Z9 and Eddie stood by, jeering and mocking.

How will the rebels ever recover from such a grievous indignity?

Cast of Characters

Introducing our humble players:

Obi-Wan Kenobi, R2-D2, Luke Skywalker

Obi-Wan Kenobi: A mysterious and powerful hermit from desert climes.

R2-D2: A loveable, beepable robot with the courage of 10 robots (plus 2).

Luke Skywalker: A whiny, yet capable, hero with delusions of grandeur.

Princess Leia, Han Solo, Chewbacca

Princess Leia: Badass hair, badass attitude.

Han Solo: Scruffy looking smuggler with a heart of gold and an itchy trigger finger.

Chewbacca: Bad hair, but a lovely singing voice.

Eddie, Q6-Z9, Darth Vader

Eddie: Slimy, reptilian pilot who has dreams of universal domination (and nightmares of tiny puppies).

Q6-Z9: R2-D2 with a bad motivator, a corrupted CPU, and an inferiority complex microchip.

Darth Vader: Evil robot mastermind (and your future overlord).

Harry Potter, Frank the Cop

Harry Potter: The boy who lived (for now…).

Frank the Cop: There aren’t enough donuts in the galaxy to bribe this pillar of justice.