When we last saw our crew, Han Solo had just been captured by Boba Fett, who was bringing him back to The Evil Monkey Warlord of planet Lophocebus. Han had “poached” space bananas from Lophocebus and The Evil Monkey Warlord wanted his head. Literally.
“FOOL!” shouted The Evil Monkey Warlord as he bapped Boba Fett across a giant hill. “Evil Monkey Warlords don’t get to be evil warlords by paying others to do their dirty work! They use and abuse people! You, a bounty hunter, should know better!”
“Not again!” moaned Boba Fett as he rolled down the other side of the giant hill.
“Now, what to do with you, Han Solo? So many choices. I could have you go in the Colosseum of Long Monkey Tails where you’ll be whipped until you beg to be killed. Or I could drop you into a vat of banana cream where you’ll surely drown – or suffocate – to death. I could put you at the top of a very tall tree with few branches and let you stay there, roasting in the sun, unable to get down. I could hang you by your ankles over a pit of sharp spikes, letting you watch and feel the vines slowly, slowly break -”
“Wait now. I get all those other forms of torture and death. I mean, you’re monkeys. Bananas and tails and climbing trees, but a pit of sharp spikes? It just doesn’t fit,” Han observed.
“Shut it, you. For that, I’ll give you the worst punishment. The banana-shaped pit of spikes and monsters. I’m an evil warlord. I like spikes. Is the banana shape good enough for you?”
“Uh, well, if you’re asking then the answer is no. I think you have to be more clever than that,” Han answered, hoping to out-clever the monkey.
“Nice try, Han Solo,” said The Evil Monkey Warlord. “The banana-shaped pit is your destiny.”
“No! Wait! I have a better idea! I’ll make you jump in yourself! And if you don’t do it in a short enough time, then I’ll bap you in. You’ll never know when it’s coming, so you’ll have to decide whether it’s best for you to just do it yourself! MUAHAHAHA!” The Evil Monkey Warlord laughed his evil warlord laugh.
While The Evil Monkey Warlord was plotting and planning and Han Solo was panicking, Luke, Leia, and Chewie finally made their way to planet Lophocebus. They struggled up the hill and were waiting for the right moment to strike when they heard the conversation between The Evil Monkey Warlord and Han.
“Look, Evil Monkey Warlord. Surely we can negotiate some kind of deal. I know this gal…she likes to dress up in skimpy gold bikinis and act out slave fantasies. Great gal…” Han started.
“Why I ought to…” Leia said. “The nerve of him! And just when I was feeling bad, just when I was about to rescue him!”
“I have no interest in skimpy gold bikinis or human females. I have a harem of monkey girls to dress in silly costumes and dance. There will be no negotiating, Han Solo. This is the end of you,” The Evil Monkey Warlord replied.
“Leia, we can’t let him dump Han into a pit of spikes and monsters. You might be mad at him, but we have to save him,” Luke said.
“AUNNGHH!” Chewie agreed.
“Fine. Let’s just do this, then.” Leia pouted. The three of them ran down the other side of the hill, taking The Evil Monkey Warlord by surprise.
“Oh no!” he shouted.
“Hooray! I knew you’d come!” Han exclaimed.
“I am an evil monkey warlord. You cannot sneak up on me! Where are my minions? WHERE ARE MY MINIONS?”
But it was too late. Luke used the force to pick up The Evil Monkey Warlord and dump him into the banana-shaped pit of spikes and monsters.
No minions came to help anyways. Minions are always looking for ways to stick it to evil warlords.
While Luke was taking care of the monkey, Leia was taking care of Han.
“ANNNGH!” Chewie tried to convince Leia to go easy on Han.
“Yeah, c’mon babe. I was just sayin’ how hot you looked in that bikini.”
“UGH,” Leia exclaimed. “Don’t you get it? You just don’t get it!”
She marched away. “Men,” she muttered. “Always saving their asses. And what do I get? ‘Babe’. I get’ babe’.” Then, louder so the others could hear, “I’m driving the ship home.”
“Babe – ” started Han but Chewie interrupted.
“I agree,” said Luke. “Let her have this one.”
The three men shook their heads while Leia marched on.