Banana-Shaped Pit of Spikes and Monsters

When we last saw our crew, Han Solo had just been captured by Boba Fett, who was bringing him back to The Evil Monkey Warlord of planet Lophocebus.  Han had “poached” space bananas from Lophocebus and The Evil Monkey Warlord wanted his head.  Literally.

“All right, Evil Monkey Warlord,” sighed Boba Fett.  “Here’s Han Solo.  Again.  Now.  About the payment.  I don’t usually accept checks because I’ve found they often bounce.  I prefer bigger bills -”

“FOOL!” shouted The Evil Monkey Warlord as he bapped Boba Fett across a giant hill.  “Evil Monkey Warlords don’t get to be evil warlords by paying others to do their dirty work!  They use and abuse people!  You, a bounty hunter, should know better!”
“Not again!” moaned Boba Fett as he rolled down the other side of the giant hill.

“Now, what to do with you, Han Solo?  So many choices.  I could have you go in the Colosseum of Long Monkey Tails where you’ll be whipped until you beg to be killed.  Or I could drop you into a vat of banana cream where you’ll surely drown – or suffocate – to death.  I could put you at the top of a very tall tree with few branches and let you stay there, roasting in the sun, unable to get down.  I could hang you by your ankles over a pit of sharp spikes, letting you watch and feel the vines slowly, slowly break -”
“Wait now.  I get all those other forms of torture and death.  I mean, you’re monkeys.  Bananas and tails and climbing trees, but a pit of sharp spikes?  It just doesn’t fit,” Han observed.
“Shut it, you.  For that, I’ll give you the worst punishment.  The banana-shaped pit of spikes and monsters.  I’m an evil warlord.  I like spikes.  Is the banana shape good enough for you?”
“Uh, well, if you’re asking then the answer is no.  I think you have to be more clever than that,” Han answered, hoping to out-clever the monkey.
“Nice try, Han Solo,” said The Evil Monkey Warlord.  “The banana-shaped pit is your destiny.”

He hauled Han up to the edge of the pit and dangled him over it, preparing to drop him in.

“No! Wait! I have a better idea!  I’ll make you jump in yourself!  And if you don’t do it in a short enough time, then I’ll bap you in.  You’ll never know when it’s coming, so you’ll have to decide whether it’s best for you to just do it yourself!  MUAHAHAHA!” The Evil Monkey Warlord laughed his evil warlord laugh.

While The Evil Monkey Warlord was plotting and planning and Han Solo was panicking, Luke, Leia, and Chewie finally made their way to planet Lophocebus.  They struggled up the hill and were waiting for the right moment to strike when they heard the conversation between The Evil Monkey Warlord and Han.

“Look, Evil Monkey Warlord.  Surely we can negotiate some kind of deal.  I know this gal…she likes to dress up in skimpy gold bikinis and act out slave fantasies.  Great gal…” Han started.
“Why I ought to…” Leia said.  “The nerve of him!  And just when I was feeling bad, just when I was about to rescue him!”
“I have no interest in skimpy gold bikinis or human females.  I have a harem of monkey girls to dress in silly costumes and dance.  There will be no negotiating, Han Solo.  This is the end of you,” The Evil Monkey Warlord replied.
“Leia, we can’t let him dump Han into a pit of spikes and monsters.  You might be mad at him, but we have to save him,” Luke said.
“AUNNGHH!” Chewie agreed.

“Fine.  Let’s just do this, then.” Leia pouted.  The three of them ran down the other side of the hill, taking The Evil Monkey Warlord by surprise.
“Oh no!” he shouted.
“Hooray! I knew you’d come!” Han exclaimed.
“I am an evil monkey warlord.  You cannot sneak up on me!  Where are my minions?  WHERE ARE MY MINIONS?”

But it was too late.  Luke used the force to pick up The Evil Monkey Warlord and dump him into the banana-shaped pit of spikes and monsters.
No minions came to help anyways.  Minions are always looking for ways to stick it to evil warlords.

While Luke was taking care of the monkey, Leia was taking care of Han.
“ANNNGH!” Chewie tried to convince Leia to go easy on Han.
“Yeah, c’mon babe.  I was just sayin’ how hot you looked in that bikini.”
“UGH,” Leia exclaimed.  “Don’t you get it?  You just don’t get it!”

She marched away.  “Men,” she muttered.  “Always saving their asses.  And what do I get?  ‘Babe’.  I get’ babe’.”  Then, louder so the others could hear, “I’m driving the ship home.”
“Babe – ” started Han but Chewie interrupted.
“NNNAAUGH.”
“I agree,” said Luke.  “Let her have this one.”
The three men shook their heads while Leia marched on.

Advertisements

Bounty Alert!

Han Solo was jetting around the galaxy looking for adventure when his plane collided with a space bird and he crash landed on the strange, seemingly uninhabited planet Lophocebus.

He explored this strange new planet for days looking for any sign of life.  He found nothing: no people, no aliens, no plantlife.  As he continued to explore, he became more and more hungry.  Before he knew it, he was on the verge of starvation.

Finally!  He stumbled upon a tree – the only tree in sight.  Luckily it was covered in a mysterious banana-like fruit.  Did Han dare to try the fruit?

Of course he did.  He parked himself under that tree and gobbled down space banana after space banana until his hunger was sated.  “That is the best damn fruit I’ve ever eaten!” he exclaimed, patting his full stomach.  “Who knows when I’ll find something else to eat?” he asked himself.  “I’m going to grab up as many space bananas as I can carry.”

As Han was busy amassing a pile, he occupied his mind with thoughts of Leia and rescue and fixing his ship.  He was so busy with his work and thoughts that he didn’t notice The Evil Monkey Warlord of Lophocebus sneaking up on him. “Who dares to poach my most delicious space bananas?” he whispered in an evil voice.  “I’ll fix him!”

But before The Evil Monkey Warlord could grab Han, Chewie flew up in his rescue helicopter and picked up Han (and the space bananas), shuttering him to safety.  “Curses!” shouted The Evil Monkey Warlord.  “He’s escaped with my space bananas!  Thief!  Poacher!”

Eager for revenge, The Evil Monkey Warlord called upon Boba Fett.  He put out a bounty on Han’s head.  “Not again,” sighed Boba Fett.  He rolled his eyes and took off, heading towards Han’s usual haunts.

Meanwhile…

Han was back with his friends, going on and on about how wonderfully awesome the space bananas from the strange planet were.  He wouldn’t let anyone taste them, though.  He was planning to make ice cream.  Now, this might seem out of character for Han, being the macho manly-man that he is, but being stuck on a strange, uninviting planet with nothing to eat and almost starving to death puts things into perspective, even for a bonehead like Han.  He wanted to show his friends how much he appreciated them.  He also asked them never to tell anyone about this foray into domesticity.

“All right, guys, just need to add the space bananas now!  This is gonna be great!”

Everyone was engrossed in Han’s explanation of what was left to be done to finish the banana ice cream.  They had never heard Han talk so excitedly about anything other than adventure before, and wanted to show him that they liked this side of him.  While they were listening closely, Darth Vader, always lurking nearby, snuck up and dumped some poison into the mix.  He didn’t know what would happen to the crew, but he was sure it would be funny.

“All right, guys! Here it is! You’re gonna love it!”
“Wow, Han, this looks amazing!” exclaimed Leia.
“Yeah, just great,” added Luke.
“HUNNGHNNNNGH!” agreed Chewie.
The three dug in while Han watched with great satisfaction.

“BLEURRRRGH!”
Luke, Leia, and Chewie threw up Han’s delicious concoction.
“Oh no!” exclaimed Han.  “What could have gone wrong?”
“Han, how could you?” moaned Leia.  “What did you put in this ice cream?  Are you trying to kill us?” she managed to get out before she vomited again.
“I’d never expect this from you Han!” groaned Luke.  “What won’t you do for an adventure?”
“AUUUUGHGGGGGHHHHNNNNGHHHH,” moaned Chewie as another wave of nausea and barf overtook him.

Darth Vader hid in the background and chuckled as he watched the grossness unfold.

Luke, Leia, and Chewie writhed on the ground in pain, holding their stomachs while Han ran away, covering his face in embarrassment.   At that moment, Boba Fett flew in.  “Where’s Han Solo?” he demanded from the crew, ignoring their condition.  Angry that Han would poison them in the name of adventure, they pointed at his retreating figure before puking one last time.  Boba Fett took off after Han.

“Well, well, well, Solo.  We meet again.  The Evil Monkey Warlord of planet Lophocebus has put out a bounty on your head and I’m here to collect.  You know that resistance is futile.  You also might notice that I’ve been watching Star Trek.  Those Borg…Wait!  Yes.  Resistance is futile.   Come with me or prepare to be assimilated – I mean or I’ll obliterate you.”  So Han went with Boba Fett, off to certain doom.

Finally finished vomiting, but too weak to move, Luke, Leia, and Chewie sat up and looked at each other.  “Can you believe that Han?” asked Luke.
“Oh, I can!” answered Leia.  “I wouldn’t put anything past him.  Anything for an adventure.  Well, he’s got one now!”
“NAUGGGH!” shouted Chewie, pointing off in the distance.  Luke and Leia looked where Chewie was pointing and saw Darth Vader scurrying away.
“You don’t think…?” started Luke.
“It was Vader all along!” wailed Leia.  “And we sent Han off with that Boba Fett again!  What have we done?”

What will become of our well-intentioned friend Han Solo?  Will Boba Fett and The Evil Monkey Warlord finally get the best of him?  How will his friends live with themselves after finding out the truth about their poisoning?  Stay tuned…this is TO BE CONTINUED!

Take ME out to the ball game!

After watching a rousing Space Super Bowl, the gang put aside their differences so they could play a friendly game of space flag football.  Everyone was ready for a fun game, but no one more than Stormtrooper.  Before the fun began, Captains Obi-Wan and Darth Vader played a quick game of space rock-paper-scissors to see who would get to pick first.

Obi-Wan: Paper covers rock.
Darth Vader: Drat.
Obi-Wan: Paper covers rock. Again.  Vader, your ‘nothing beats rock’ strategy is altogether too predictable.
Darth Vader: Just pick!

Stormtrooper: Ooh!  Ooh!
Obi-Wan: Master Yoda, I would be honored to have you on my team.
Yoda: Hee hee hee!  Low-five give me!

Stormtrooper: Ooh, pick me, Mr. Vader. I’m awesome at this, I swear!
Darth Vader: Boba Fett, remove your attention from Solo and join me.
Boba Fett:
Stormtrooper: Oh, man…

Obi-Wan: Admiral Akbar, your strategic acumen will be indispensable.
Admiral Akbar: It’s a trap!!
Obi-Wan: No, I assure you, we’re all perfectly safe here.  All light sabers and blasters have been de-activated.
Stormtrooper: Aww, nuts. <kick>  Ow!
Han Solo: Man, his face looks so weird.  Like someone took a dead fish and-
Leia: Han!

Darth Vader: Imperial Guard, to me.
Stormtrooper: Well, I guess he does outrank me.  Hey, Red!  High five!
Imperial Guard: …No…
Stormtrooper: Oh.  Ok, sure.  No high five.  Right.  Sir.

Obi-Wan: Let’s see, I think I’ll pick…
Stormtrooper: Me?!  Me!  Yes!  Forget you Vader, you can take your Empire and stuff it!

Obi-Wan: No, I’m afraid not, Mr. Stormtrooper.
Stormtrooper: Yes!  Stormtrooper FTW!  Wait, what?
Obi-Wan: Princess Leia, please, your grit would be a perfect addition to our team.
Stormtrooper: Leia?!  Oh, what?  Solo, why do you always have to bring your stupid girlfriend to these things?  That was my turn.
Darth Vader: What was it you said I can do with my Empire?
Stormtrooper: What?  Hey, what are you talking about?  That was…that was the fish face guy.  I was sticking up for you, remember?

Darth Vader: Oh, my, things are really dropping off, aren’t they?  Well, Eddie, I suppose your the best I can do now.
Eddie: I brought my own helmet!
Darth Vader: Yes…of course.  Wonderful.
Stormtrooper: Doo do doo…just walking along behind Eddie…don’t mind me…I’ll just hang out over here…

Darth Vader: Back! <Force Shove> I didn’t rise to the command of an Imperial Battle Station by letting Stormtroopers do whatever they please.
Obi-Wan: Quickly, Luke!  Quickly!  Before he gets up again!

Darth Vader: Q6-Z9, come.
Stormtrooper: Take me with you, please!  I’m so good!
Q6-Z9:  BEEP!  BOOP!  BEEEEEEEP!
Stormtrooper: Ow!
Darth Vader: Desperation is a stinky perfume, Stormtrooper.

Obi-Wan: Mr. Solo, if you’d be so kind.
Han Solo: Ha!  In your face, Stormtrooper!

Stormtrooper: Hey, I guess that means I’m on your team, right Mr. Vader?  Red?  Eddie?  Hey, where’s everybody going?

Han Solo: Chewie said he’d get the ball.  He should be right over here somewhere.
Stormtrooper: Hey, wait up, guys!  I’m-oh!  Oof!  Owwwww…my face smashed on the inside of my Stormtrooper helmet…

All: Aw, crap.
Stormtrooper: Alright, we get the ball first!
Han Solo: Chewie, we can’t play with that, it’s too big.
Chewbacca: AAWOOOGHHAWW!!?
Han Solo: No, nobody wants to play space chess!  Gah, you’re the worst.  Come on, let’s just go back inside and eat the rest of the pizza.
Stormtrooper: Alright, I’m awesome at space chess!  I’ll kick your butt!
Chewbacca: AaaaWwwWOOOaaaA!
Stormtrooper: Aw, come on, that’s just mean.  Jeez…

How To Tame A Wild Beast* in Four Easy Steps

Step 1.  Approach your intended target with caution.  Untamed wild beasts can pose serious threats of death or dismemberment to those who are unprepared.  If you own a force pike, or if you can borrow one from a friend, keep it at the ready until you are sure the wild beast has been successfully tamed.

Step 2. Tame the wild beast with the magic trick of staring into its yellow eyes without blinking once.  This, of course, is the tricky part.  It should be noted that the magic trick also works with beasts that have blue, green, brown, pink, red, and orange colored eyes.  Anecdotal evidence suggests that it may work on beasts with eyes of heliotrope and/or puce, but use your best judgment in those situations.  For more information on the magic trick itself, please consult your local Jedi or Sith lord.

Step 3. With caution, climb atop the beast.  Not only does this maneuver clearly demonstrate your dominance over the wild beast, it also opens up the possibility of riding the wild beast around which, let’s be honest, is pretty awesome.

Step 4. Once you have successfully tamed the wild beast, it will follow your commands without hesitation, and you may do with it what you will.  You may decide to: have your wild beast plow fallow fields for agricultural purposes; strike fear and dismay into the hearts of your enemies; use the wild beast as a cheap and environmentally-friendly means of transportation; return home as a conquering hero and collect the accolades and rewards you are due; &c.

Whatever you decide to do with your newly-tamed wild beast, be sure to show it off to your friends because they will be totally jealous (and, possibly, totally devoured, depending on the wildness of the beast).

*Please note that this technique does not work on wildebeests.

Strange New Worlds…

Han, Leia, Chewy, and R2D2 were out exploring a new land.

“What a great adventure!” exclaimed Han, while Leia wore a concerned expression on her face.
“This land sure is strange…” she muttered.
“Beep, boop” Artoo agreed.

They stood looking around.  “I wonder what all this red stuff is on the ground,” mused Leia.
“Beep beep beep boop,” said R2D2, but nobody was listening to him.

“This red stuff goes on for as far as the eye can see!” exclaimed Han.  “This is going to be great!”
“HUNNNGHAAAAAHH!” agreed Chewy.
“Beep beep beep boop,” repeated R2D2 as insistently as he could, but everyone was too excited to see what was out there to listen to Artoo.

Suddenly, from above and out of nowhere came a large, threatening object.  Artoo beeped and booped his warning as loud as he could…

…but it was too late.  The little droid that could tried with all his might to get the heavy object off of his friends.  It dawned on each of them as they lay squashed under the object just what those red splatters were that dotted the hostile landscape.

Shedding android tears and trailing his friends’ blood behind him, Artoo headed back to the ship.  He didn’t know how he’d explain this one, but he was sure he could somehow blame the incident on Han’s swagger.  If only they’d listened…