How To Tame A Wild Beast* in Four Easy Steps

Step 1.  Approach your intended target with caution.  Untamed wild beasts can pose serious threats of death or dismemberment to those who are unprepared.  If you own a force pike, or if you can borrow one from a friend, keep it at the ready until you are sure the wild beast has been successfully tamed.

Step 2. Tame the wild beast with the magic trick of staring into its yellow eyes without blinking once.  This, of course, is the tricky part.  It should be noted that the magic trick also works with beasts that have blue, green, brown, pink, red, and orange colored eyes.  Anecdotal evidence suggests that it may work on beasts with eyes of heliotrope and/or puce, but use your best judgment in those situations.  For more information on the magic trick itself, please consult your local Jedi or Sith lord.

Step 3. With caution, climb atop the beast.  Not only does this maneuver clearly demonstrate your dominance over the wild beast, it also opens up the possibility of riding the wild beast around which, let’s be honest, is pretty awesome.

Step 4. Once you have successfully tamed the wild beast, it will follow your commands without hesitation, and you may do with it what you will.  You may decide to: have your wild beast plow fallow fields for agricultural purposes; strike fear and dismay into the hearts of your enemies; use the wild beast as a cheap and environmentally-friendly means of transportation; return home as a conquering hero and collect the accolades and rewards you are due; &c.

Whatever you decide to do with your newly-tamed wild beast, be sure to show it off to your friends because they will be totally jealous (and, possibly, totally devoured, depending on the wildness of the beast).

*Please note that this technique does not work on wildebeests.


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