Boba Fett’s Day Off

Boba Fett got up early to enjoy his day off.  Good job, Boba Fett!

Boba Fett decided to make himself some low-fat blueberry muffins for breakfast.  Smart move, Boba Fett – delicious AND healthy!

Boba Fett also had mimosas with breakfast.  A bounty hunter gets very few days off.  Celebrate, Boba Fett!

Boba Fett almost forgot to take his vitamins.  Good remembering, Boba Fett!

He decided to play with the cat.   How fun, Boba Fett!

Tired of too much fun, Boba Fett decided to pump some iron…

…and do some target practice.   Way to be proactive, Boba Fett!

Ready to stimulate his brain, Boba Fett decided to catch up on some reading.  How smart, Boba Fett!

If you ruin the ending, you’ll be sorry.  Well played, Boba Fett.

Next, Boba Fett decided to play some video games…

…and catch up on his email.  So technologically savvy, Boba Fett!

Boba Fett remembered that he hadn’t watered his flowers in a few days.  Such a green thumb, Boba Fett!

After a busy day, Boba Fett decided to relax in front of the TV before scooting off to bed.  Good choice, Boba Fett!

Then Boba Fett climbed into bed.  So comfy, Boba Fett!

 

What a day, Boba Fett!

A Hairy Mess?

The crew was fed up with Chewbacca. 

Leia: Chewie, we staged this intervention because you need to know…
Han: It’s your HAIR, Chewie.  It’s matted.  It’s unkempt.  You’re going to start to smell.  Have some pride, Chewie!
Yoda: You, we like.  The hair, it is a problem.
Chewie: AUNGHHGHHHH!  UNNGHGHHRRRN!
Admiral Ackbar: We know it’s hard to brush that much hair, Chewie.  But you need to make an effort!  And don’t scoff at my soft, hairless scalp.  The ladies love it!
Chewie:  NNARRRNGGHH…

Yoda: His feelings, we hurt.
Leia: I know, Yoda, but it’s what’s best for him in the end.
Han: Yeah, he’ll thank us when he sees what a stud he could be.  Besides.  He looked like the smelly kid.  I don’t need to be associated with that.
R2D2: Beep boop.
Han: Shut it, Artoo.Yoda: Weird-looking we both are.  More understanding, Ackbar should be.  Weird-looking, he is too.  But, hurt feelings, you shouldn’t have.  Care about you, everyone does!
Chewie: GRAAAARGHNNAH.  AUNNNGH!
Yoda: Yes.  Fish face he does have.  But, right you are.  Forward we must move.  A comb you must purchase.  Happy you will be!
Chewie:  RRRRRRRRRANNNNGHHHH!

Chewie: GRRRRRRRRRAAAHHHNNGHHH!
Yoda:  Farnsworth!  To see you, it is good!  Long time, it has been!
Farnsworth: Well hellooooo Yoda! Hellooooo Chewie!
Yoda: Moustache you’ve got!  New that is?
Farnsworth: You like my mouuuustache?  It is newwwwww and floppy!
Chewie: ANNNNNNNNGHHHH  RAUUUUUNGH!
Farnsworth: Yes, difficult to grooooooom, but very worth it!

Leia: Farnsworth! It’s wonderful to see you!
Han: Fantastic moustache, man!
Farnsworth: Youuuuu like it?
Admiral Ackbar: I like it so much I feel like IT’S A TRAP!
R2D2: Beep beep boop beep
Farnsworth: Well, everyooooone, I didn’t know how the mouuuustache would go over, but it seems like a smashing success!  Wonderfuuuuuul!  I must be going but I’m suuuuure we’ll bump into each other again sooooon!  Tata!

Farnsworth: Doodley doooo, I’m dancin’ my way off to the zoooooo…

Han: Did you see his incredible moustache?  Do you think I could pull off a mustache like that?
Admiral Ackbar:  You’ve got a better chance than me.  My smooth and supple skin can’t support even a strand of hair.
Leia: Even I’m jealous of that moustache!
R2D2: Boop beep boop boop
Han: No way, Artoo.  You’d look stupid with that moustache, not me!
R2D2:  Beeeeeep boop boooop…
Han: We’ll see, won’t we?

THE NEXT DAY…

Yoda: Farnsworth! Again bumping into you!
Leia: Now you have an awesome hat, too?  Who are you, Farnsworth?
Admiral Ackbar: Farnsworth, notice anything different about us today?
R2D2: Beep beep boop beep
Farnsworth: Welllll helloooooo again! Loooook at you all!  You’re fancy!  You’re the beeeeees kneeeees!  Come, come!  Weeeee must show everybodyyyyy!

Han: Oh.  Chewie.  Hi there.
Leia: Er…
Admiral Ackbar:  IT’S A TRAP!
Yoda: Trap it’s not.  Stupid you are.
R2D2: Beep.
Farnsworth: Chewieeeeee!  So nice to see youuuuuu!  Like my hat?

Chewie:  GRAAAAAGH!  AUGGGGH RAAAAAH RAAAAAAAUGH!
Admiral Ackbar: Whoa, low blow there, Chew-meister.  This mustache, though fake, is classy.  Well-kempt, I might add…
R2D2: Beep boop beep beep beep boop.
Chewie: RAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRAAWWWRRRRR.
Admiral Ackbar: You both have valid points.  Artoo, a bird’s nest has much more order in its construction than the snarls in his fur.  Chewie, robots with moustaches are the wave of the future.  Just you wait.  Don’t hate on it.
R2D2: Beep.

Chewie: RAAAAWRRR!  GRRRRRRAWWWWRRRAAAAAHH!  GRR RAARR  AUUUUGHHHRRR.
Han: C’mon now, Chewie.  There’s no need for that.  Leia looks hot, even with a moustache.
Yoda: Moustaches we wanted.  Look good, do we.  Hate us for that, you should not.
Leia: Chewie, we were only trying to help.  Being rude now won’t change any of that.
Admiral Ackbar: He’s just jealous of how easily we can keep our hair looking nice.
Chewie: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!
Leia: Admiral, that wasn’t necessary.  And, he’s right.  All your hair is fake.  There’s no keeping it, except for the glue.

Chewie: GRAAAH.  ARRGH RAAAH GRAAAAUGHH RAAAAWRRRRGH.
Farnsworth:  They did that to youuuuu?  But your fur…it’s beauuuuuutiful!  They’re nuuuuuts.
Chewie: RAAAAAAGGGHHHH!
Farnsworth: I just loooooove your fur.  Let them talk.

THE NEXT DAY…

Farnsworth: Doodley dooooo…dooo doooo doooooooo!
Han: Uh, hey Farnsworth.
Farnsworth: Hellloooooo!  Lovely to see youuuuu!
Ackbar: Uh, Farnsworth –
Leia: What’s the deal with the fur?
Yoda: Great was the moustache but gross is the fur.
Farnsworth: I thought we were doooooing National Admire Someone Else’s Hair Weeeeeek!  Your mouuuuustaches?  My fuuuuuur?

Farnsworth: Chewieeee!  A hug? For meeee?
Chewie: GRRRRAAAAAAH!
Farnsworth: They loved my moustache and they copied it.  I thought that was the thing to dooooo!  Now I can look just like youuuu!

Chewie: HAHAHA! ARRRUGHHHH!  RAAWRRRRH  HAH HAH!
Han: Now, Chewie, it’s not nice to gloat.
Leia: And your hair really did need a good brushing.
Chewie: BWAAAAAA  GURAAAAH HUAAAANGHHH!
Yoda: Right you are, Chewie.  Sorry we should be.
Farnsworth: Meee?  The coooolest one on the block?  Unbeeeeelievable!
Admiral Ackbar: IT’S ALWAYS A TRAP!  Moustaches?  I should have stayed home.

Banana-Shaped Pit of Spikes and Monsters

When we last saw our crew, Han Solo had just been captured by Boba Fett, who was bringing him back to The Evil Monkey Warlord of planet Lophocebus.  Han had “poached” space bananas from Lophocebus and The Evil Monkey Warlord wanted his head.  Literally.

“All right, Evil Monkey Warlord,” sighed Boba Fett.  “Here’s Han Solo.  Again.  Now.  About the payment.  I don’t usually accept checks because I’ve found they often bounce.  I prefer bigger bills -”

“FOOL!” shouted The Evil Monkey Warlord as he bapped Boba Fett across a giant hill.  “Evil Monkey Warlords don’t get to be evil warlords by paying others to do their dirty work!  They use and abuse people!  You, a bounty hunter, should know better!”
“Not again!” moaned Boba Fett as he rolled down the other side of the giant hill.

“Now, what to do with you, Han Solo?  So many choices.  I could have you go in the Colosseum of Long Monkey Tails where you’ll be whipped until you beg to be killed.  Or I could drop you into a vat of banana cream where you’ll surely drown – or suffocate – to death.  I could put you at the top of a very tall tree with few branches and let you stay there, roasting in the sun, unable to get down.  I could hang you by your ankles over a pit of sharp spikes, letting you watch and feel the vines slowly, slowly break -”
“Wait now.  I get all those other forms of torture and death.  I mean, you’re monkeys.  Bananas and tails and climbing trees, but a pit of sharp spikes?  It just doesn’t fit,” Han observed.
“Shut it, you.  For that, I’ll give you the worst punishment.  The banana-shaped pit of spikes and monsters.  I’m an evil warlord.  I like spikes.  Is the banana shape good enough for you?”
“Uh, well, if you’re asking then the answer is no.  I think you have to be more clever than that,” Han answered, hoping to out-clever the monkey.
“Nice try, Han Solo,” said The Evil Monkey Warlord.  “The banana-shaped pit is your destiny.”

He hauled Han up to the edge of the pit and dangled him over it, preparing to drop him in.

“No! Wait! I have a better idea!  I’ll make you jump in yourself!  And if you don’t do it in a short enough time, then I’ll bap you in.  You’ll never know when it’s coming, so you’ll have to decide whether it’s best for you to just do it yourself!  MUAHAHAHA!” The Evil Monkey Warlord laughed his evil warlord laugh.

While The Evil Monkey Warlord was plotting and planning and Han Solo was panicking, Luke, Leia, and Chewie finally made their way to planet Lophocebus.  They struggled up the hill and were waiting for the right moment to strike when they heard the conversation between The Evil Monkey Warlord and Han.

“Look, Evil Monkey Warlord.  Surely we can negotiate some kind of deal.  I know this gal…she likes to dress up in skimpy gold bikinis and act out slave fantasies.  Great gal…” Han started.
“Why I ought to…” Leia said.  “The nerve of him!  And just when I was feeling bad, just when I was about to rescue him!”
“I have no interest in skimpy gold bikinis or human females.  I have a harem of monkey girls to dress in silly costumes and dance.  There will be no negotiating, Han Solo.  This is the end of you,” The Evil Monkey Warlord replied.
“Leia, we can’t let him dump Han into a pit of spikes and monsters.  You might be mad at him, but we have to save him,” Luke said.
“AUNNGHH!” Chewie agreed.

“Fine.  Let’s just do this, then.” Leia pouted.  The three of them ran down the other side of the hill, taking The Evil Monkey Warlord by surprise.
“Oh no!” he shouted.
“Hooray! I knew you’d come!” Han exclaimed.
“I am an evil monkey warlord.  You cannot sneak up on me!  Where are my minions?  WHERE ARE MY MINIONS?”

But it was too late.  Luke used the force to pick up The Evil Monkey Warlord and dump him into the banana-shaped pit of spikes and monsters.
No minions came to help anyways.  Minions are always looking for ways to stick it to evil warlords.

While Luke was taking care of the monkey, Leia was taking care of Han.
“ANNNGH!” Chewie tried to convince Leia to go easy on Han.
“Yeah, c’mon babe.  I was just sayin’ how hot you looked in that bikini.”
“UGH,” Leia exclaimed.  “Don’t you get it?  You just don’t get it!”

She marched away.  “Men,” she muttered.  “Always saving their asses.  And what do I get?  ‘Babe’.  I get’ babe’.”  Then, louder so the others could hear, “I’m driving the ship home.”
“Babe – ” started Han but Chewie interrupted.
“NNNAAUGH.”
“I agree,” said Luke.  “Let her have this one.”
The three men shook their heads while Leia marched on.

Bounty Alert!

Han Solo was jetting around the galaxy looking for adventure when his plane collided with a space bird and he crash landed on the strange, seemingly uninhabited planet Lophocebus.

He explored this strange new planet for days looking for any sign of life.  He found nothing: no people, no aliens, no plantlife.  As he continued to explore, he became more and more hungry.  Before he knew it, he was on the verge of starvation.

Finally!  He stumbled upon a tree – the only tree in sight.  Luckily it was covered in a mysterious banana-like fruit.  Did Han dare to try the fruit?

Of course he did.  He parked himself under that tree and gobbled down space banana after space banana until his hunger was sated.  “That is the best damn fruit I’ve ever eaten!” he exclaimed, patting his full stomach.  “Who knows when I’ll find something else to eat?” he asked himself.  “I’m going to grab up as many space bananas as I can carry.”

As Han was busy amassing a pile, he occupied his mind with thoughts of Leia and rescue and fixing his ship.  He was so busy with his work and thoughts that he didn’t notice The Evil Monkey Warlord of Lophocebus sneaking up on him. “Who dares to poach my most delicious space bananas?” he whispered in an evil voice.  “I’ll fix him!”

But before The Evil Monkey Warlord could grab Han, Chewie flew up in his rescue helicopter and picked up Han (and the space bananas), shuttering him to safety.  “Curses!” shouted The Evil Monkey Warlord.  “He’s escaped with my space bananas!  Thief!  Poacher!”

Eager for revenge, The Evil Monkey Warlord called upon Boba Fett.  He put out a bounty on Han’s head.  “Not again,” sighed Boba Fett.  He rolled his eyes and took off, heading towards Han’s usual haunts.

Meanwhile…

Han was back with his friends, going on and on about how wonderfully awesome the space bananas from the strange planet were.  He wouldn’t let anyone taste them, though.  He was planning to make ice cream.  Now, this might seem out of character for Han, being the macho manly-man that he is, but being stuck on a strange, uninviting planet with nothing to eat and almost starving to death puts things into perspective, even for a bonehead like Han.  He wanted to show his friends how much he appreciated them.  He also asked them never to tell anyone about this foray into domesticity.

“All right, guys, just need to add the space bananas now!  This is gonna be great!”

Everyone was engrossed in Han’s explanation of what was left to be done to finish the banana ice cream.  They had never heard Han talk so excitedly about anything other than adventure before, and wanted to show him that they liked this side of him.  While they were listening closely, Darth Vader, always lurking nearby, snuck up and dumped some poison into the mix.  He didn’t know what would happen to the crew, but he was sure it would be funny.

“All right, guys! Here it is! You’re gonna love it!”
“Wow, Han, this looks amazing!” exclaimed Leia.
“Yeah, just great,” added Luke.
“HUNNGHNNNNGH!” agreed Chewie.
The three dug in while Han watched with great satisfaction.

“BLEURRRRGH!”
Luke, Leia, and Chewie threw up Han’s delicious concoction.
“Oh no!” exclaimed Han.  “What could have gone wrong?”
“Han, how could you?” moaned Leia.  “What did you put in this ice cream?  Are you trying to kill us?” she managed to get out before she vomited again.
“I’d never expect this from you Han!” groaned Luke.  “What won’t you do for an adventure?”
“AUUUUGHGGGGGHHHHNNNNGHHHH,” moaned Chewie as another wave of nausea and barf overtook him.

Darth Vader hid in the background and chuckled as he watched the grossness unfold.

Luke, Leia, and Chewie writhed on the ground in pain, holding their stomachs while Han ran away, covering his face in embarrassment.   At that moment, Boba Fett flew in.  “Where’s Han Solo?” he demanded from the crew, ignoring their condition.  Angry that Han would poison them in the name of adventure, they pointed at his retreating figure before puking one last time.  Boba Fett took off after Han.

“Well, well, well, Solo.  We meet again.  The Evil Monkey Warlord of planet Lophocebus has put out a bounty on your head and I’m here to collect.  You know that resistance is futile.  You also might notice that I’ve been watching Star Trek.  Those Borg…Wait!  Yes.  Resistance is futile.   Come with me or prepare to be assimilated – I mean or I’ll obliterate you.”  So Han went with Boba Fett, off to certain doom.

Finally finished vomiting, but too weak to move, Luke, Leia, and Chewie sat up and looked at each other.  “Can you believe that Han?” asked Luke.
“Oh, I can!” answered Leia.  “I wouldn’t put anything past him.  Anything for an adventure.  Well, he’s got one now!”
“NAUGGGH!” shouted Chewie, pointing off in the distance.  Luke and Leia looked where Chewie was pointing and saw Darth Vader scurrying away.
“You don’t think…?” started Luke.
“It was Vader all along!” wailed Leia.  “And we sent Han off with that Boba Fett again!  What have we done?”

What will become of our well-intentioned friend Han Solo?  Will Boba Fett and The Evil Monkey Warlord finally get the best of him?  How will his friends live with themselves after finding out the truth about their poisoning?  Stay tuned…this is TO BE CONTINUED!

Strange New Worlds…

Han, Leia, Chewy, and R2D2 were out exploring a new land.

“What a great adventure!” exclaimed Han, while Leia wore a concerned expression on her face.
“This land sure is strange…” she muttered.
“Beep, boop” Artoo agreed.

They stood looking around.  “I wonder what all this red stuff is on the ground,” mused Leia.
“Beep beep beep boop,” said R2D2, but nobody was listening to him.

“This red stuff goes on for as far as the eye can see!” exclaimed Han.  “This is going to be great!”
“HUNNNGHAAAAAHH!” agreed Chewy.
“Beep beep beep boop,” repeated R2D2 as insistently as he could, but everyone was too excited to see what was out there to listen to Artoo.

Suddenly, from above and out of nowhere came a large, threatening object.  Artoo beeped and booped his warning as loud as he could…

…but it was too late.  The little droid that could tried with all his might to get the heavy object off of his friends.  It dawned on each of them as they lay squashed under the object just what those red splatters were that dotted the hostile landscape.

Shedding android tears and trailing his friends’ blood behind him, Artoo headed back to the ship.  He didn’t know how he’d explain this one, but he was sure he could somehow blame the incident on Han’s swagger.  If only they’d listened…

Do you believe in magic?

Harry Potter, after vanquishing He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and before marrying Ginny Weasley, spent some time traveling throughout the universe on a broom enchanted specially for him by Hermione.  Whether Harry truly just happens upon trouble or whether he looks for it, he stumbled upon an even worse foe: Darth Vader.  Knowing that he was a strong enough wizard to defeat You-Know-Who without using the Unforgivable Curses, he hardly flinched when faced with the mere robotic shell of a man that was Darth Vader.

Being a most powerful Jedi Master, however, Darth Vader read Harry Potter’s mind before Harry even knew he was thinking that he’d defeat Vader without using the Unforgivable Curses.  Before Harry knew what was happening, Vader lifted his wand right from his hand.  “Accio wand!” Harry cried, but to no avail.  Darth’s iron Jedi grip was stronger than any spell “The Boy Wizard” could conjure.

“This isn’t a challenge,” thought Darth as he read the racing thoughts that ran through Harry’s mind.  “This one won’t come to the Dark Side, and fighting him won’t even be fun.”  With that thought, Vader took his light saber and sliced Harry’s head off.

“‘Boy Who Lived’ my ass,” he mumbled as he tossed down Harry’s wand and imperial marched away.

Playground Fun?

Han, Leia, and Chewy were taking a much deserved break from the constant pressure of fighting the Empire, choosing to relax by playing a bit of jump rope.  Chewy was dying to show off a new jump rope rhyme he learned on Dantooine and Han and Leia were only too happy to humor him.  They were so engrossed in their fun, they didn’t notice anyone lurking nearby…

…which was unfortunate for suddenly three bruisers from the Empire showed up.  Darth, in his constant (but secret) quest to impress his daughter used the force to manipulate the jump rope they had just been using.  His evil tendencies, as always, won out over his paternal ones.  Leia and her friends remained entangled in the jump rope while Q6-Z9 and Eddie stood by, jeering and mocking.

How will the rebels ever recover from such a grievous indignity?