A Modest Proposal

Not so long ago, in this very galaxy, Matt and Amy sat down to a nice, quiet dinner of space scallops from Santraginus V.  Their chauffeur and sometime monkey-butler, Chewbacca, kept the star drive of their leisure space-yacht idling just in case they needed to make a quick getaway.

Amy: Matt, these space scallops are the best I’ve ever had!  I know I say this a lot, but you’re such a great cook.  I mean, you’re really great at a lot of things: writing, watching TV, thinking up simple solutions to complex problems, literary exegesis, video games, building lego models, listening attentively and with empathy, yo-yoing, coming to a full stop at stop signs, academic advising, badminton, putting together furniture from Ikea, being handsome…

Amy: …crossword puzzles, eating snacks, growing a beard, being modest –
Matt: Amy, you’re embarrassing me!
Amy: Oh, I’m sorry.  All I was trying to say is that these scallops are delicious (and you’re amazing).
Matt: Thank you.  You’re pretty amazing yourself.
Chewbacca: oooAH?

Matt: In fact, I think you might be the most amazing person I’ve ever met.
Amy: Me?  Noooo.
Matt: You, yes!  Sending you that dorky facebook message about Jurassic Park was probably the best thing I’ve ever done.
Han Solo: Hey, what’s going on down there?

Matt: Do you know I don’t think I’ve ever seen you answer a question without thinking about it first?  I don’t know anyone else who does that.
Amy: So?
Matt: So?  So it’s amazing!  It’s beautiful!  I wish I had the presence of mind to be that thoughtful, and for you it’s just who you are.  I love it.
Princess Leia: Han, where have you been?  You said you would meet me an hour ago!
Han: Hey, babe, simmer down.  Check out the two lovebirds down there.

Matt: And the amount of time and energy you put into teaching…
Amy: Well, that’s my job.
Matt: Sure, it’s your job.  Lots of people have jobs.  I have a job.  You have…I don’t know, a calling.  I mean, I’ve always wanted to be a writer.  Since playing with legos was age-appropriate “always.”  And I don’t think I’m half as dedicated to that as you are to the kids who get randomly assigned to your classroom every year.  All the things you do with them, for them – the way you teach them to actually love going to school.  The way you teach them to love vegetables.  Vegetables!  That’s inspiring stuff.
Amy: Now you’re embarrassing me.
Leia: Awww, they are kind of cute.  In an earthlingy sort of way.

Matt: Sorry, I guess I’m just trying to say I love you.
Amy: I know.
Yoda: Oooh, a great surge of love, I feel.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Master Yoda, over there.
Luke Skywalker: What is it, I can’t see!
Obi-Wan: Raise your blast shield, Luke.  For crying out loud…

Matt: You know, I remember the exact instant I fell in love with you.
Amy: When?
Matt: It was fast.  Maybe, I think, the second time I came to Boston to visit you.  I don’t remember the date, but I’ll never forget that moment.
Amy: What happened?
Darth Vader: Now’s our chance, while they’re distracted!  We jump on three…
Boba Fett:

Matt: It was in the morning.   Early.  You weren’t awake yet.  Everything was still, everything was quiet.  This was before you put up those extra heavy drapes, and there was a little light coming in through the window.  It must have been the start of Spring – it was nice, crisp Spring light.  I looked over at you lying there next to me, and when I did it was like…like I don’t know what.  You just looked…you looked perfect.  The way your hair fell across your face, your little sleeping smile, the light, the quiet, the peace.  I just knew, I knew right then.
Admiral Akbar: It’s a trap!
Vader: Akbar, you little fish-faced freak!
R2-D2: Beep-boop BEEP!
Vader: Look over there? Is that supposed to be some kind of trick…oh…

Matt: Is that corny?  It feels a little corny.
Amy: Hmm…maybe…but I don’t think I care.
Matt: Well, anyway, it’s true.  It’s something I’ve actually wanted to tell you for a while.  I don’t know why it took so long to come out.  I guess I can run a little slow sometimes.
Amy: With your old-man heart, you shouldn’t be running at all!
Matt: It’s not that old!
Amy: You know what happens when you run.
Matt: I know.  Well, there’s something else I’ve been a little slow with, too.
Boba Fett: [Gasp!] Is he about to do what I think he’s about to do?
Leia: I’ve got to hear this.
Obi-Wan: Quiet now, don’t let them know we’re here.

Amy: What do you mean?
Matt: I mean…what do I mean?  I mean, I love you.  I love the life we have together now, and I love the life I think we’ll have tomorrow and next week and next year.  I want to share my life with you.  I’m excited to share my life with you.  It looks like a great life.  Because…because you’re my favorite, and I guess what I mean is, I want to marry you.

Matt: Will you marry me, Amy?

Amy: Yes!!!
Everyone:  Party Time!!

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Super Han Solo World

By following a ripple of power in the Force, Darth Vader has found himself on a mysterious world full of mysterious mysteries, perhaps the most mysterious of which is a mysteriously shiny golden box…

Darth Vader: I sense something…There is a great power here, we must find a way inside this chest.  Guard!

*Spink!*
Imperial Guard: I’m sorry, Lord Vader, my force pike seems to be ineffective.  This…this has never happened to me before, I swear.
Stormtrooper: Step aside, Big Red.  Let a real man show you how it’s done.

Stormtrooper: I’m gonna kick this thing into next – whoa Whoa WHOA! 

Stormtrooper: Oooooohhh…I think I landed on my spleen…
Imperial Guard: Nice kicking, stumpy.
Stormtrooper: Shut up, Red.  Go chew your gum.
Vader: Fools.  I don’t know why I bring you anywhere.  Now, let me show you the true power of the force.

Vader: Mmmmmmmmmm….
Stormtrooper: Psst – hey, Red, nothing’s happening.
Vader: Mmmmmmmmmm…..
Stormtrooper: It’s not even shaking.  Usually it shakes, at least.
Vader: MMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!
Stormtrooper: I bet if Yoda were here, he could crack into that thing.

Vader: Enough!  Do you know why it’s not working?  It’s because you were born!  I think it’s time I correct that unfortunate mistake.
Stormtrooper: No, it was a joke – ackgackcack!
Imperial Guard: My Lord, someone’s coming, I think we should take cover.
Vader: Fine, let’s hide over by those incongruous, pastel-colored pieces of sheet metal.  I’ll deal with you later, Stormtrooper.

Han Solo: Hey, Chewie, hurry up!  I found something shiny!  Boy, I bet there’s something fancy in here.  I wonder how you get inside…I better look around for cracks.  Chewie?  Now, where’d that fuzzball go?

Chewbacca: WaaaaaAUUUGGHHHaaaa!!!
Han: Chewie, there you ar-whoa!
Chain Chomp: Bark Bark!


Chewbacca: AuughaAAh-*trip*-oooAAggghh!-*BONK!*
Chain Chomp: Bark!
Han: Chewie, you did it!  You found the…giant…mushroom?  What the heck?  Well, treasure is treasure, let me just get under here, and…
*POOF!*

Han: Whoa!  Chewie, check me out – I’m huge!  Look how big my muscles are now.  Chewie?  Hey, quit laying around and come see how awesome I look!  I think I even got more handsome.

Chewbacca: Oooggghhh?
Han: I know, I’m even bigger than you.  Hey, watch this – *noogienoogienoogie*
Chewbacca: ARRRGGGAAHHHHOOHH!!!
Han: Ha ha, who’s scruffy looking now, fuzzface?!  You’re like a little ewok down there!

Meanwhile…
Darth Vader: Look at that!  Such power…if I were that huge, the rebellion would be no match at all.  Stormtrooper!
Stormtrooper: Yes, sir!
Vader: Go distract Solo while I come up with a plan to extract that powerful fungus from his body.

Stormtrooper: Alright, Solo – gosh, you’re even bigger up close…
Han: What do you want, Stormtrooper?
Stormtrooper: Oh, nothing really.  Just, maybe, can I have some of that super fungus power you just got your hands on?
Han: My super fungus power?  Yeah, sure, why not?
Stormtrooper: Oh, wow, really?
Han: Sure, come on over.
Stormtrooper: Great, that’s awfully generous of you.

*STOMP!*
Stormtrooper: Oh, right in the helmet!
Vader: Guard, my plan is almost complete.  I need you to give me a just a little more time.
Imperial Guard: Very well, my lord.

Imperial Guard: Solo, you will hand over the fungus or feel the sting of my force pike.
Han: *Sigh* I hope there aren’t many more of you, I’m getting kind of sick of this.

*KICK!*
Imperial Guard: Oh, what a powerful kick!
Chain Chomp: Bark bark…
Vader: What?  Where did you come from?

Chain Chomp: Bark.  Bark bark.
Vader: What do you mean, my plan won’t work?  What could someone so round and metallic possibly understand about the ways of the Force?
Chain Chomp: Bark!
Vader:  Midichlorians?  Bah, supsupersititious claptrap.  I’ll show you the true power of this “ancient religion.”

Vader: Solo, you have no idea of the power that has fallen into your lap.  It belongs rightfully to me, and I intend to take it.
Chain Chomp: Bark.
Vader: Quiet, you!  Now, Solo, feel the power of the Force!  Mmmmmmmmmm….

Han: Huh, is that what the force feels like?  Kind of tickles.
Chain Chomp: Bark bark.
Vader:  Arrgh!!  I said, quiet you stupid ball of lead – enough of these games!

Chain Chomp: Bark! Bark!
Han: Whoa, hey, hang on a second here.  Let’s not do anything we’re going to regret in the morning.

Chain Chomp: Bark!  Bark bark!
Han: Oh, no, my beautiful face!

Han: Oooh, what happened?  Why am I so small again?
Vader: This is indeed a mysterious world with it’s own mysterious rules.  But the most important rule of all is don’t make the Sith Lord angry.  I hope you enjoy your last few moments alive, Solo.
Chewbacca: ooooAAAGGh?
Han: Chewie, this is all your fault for running into that box!  I hope you’ve got a plan to get us out of here.

Chewbacca:  OOOAAGHHGAA!!
Han: Hey, nice work, Chewie!

Han: See you later, suckers!
Vader: Gah!!  Scoundrels!  Fools!  I hate everything and none of this is my fault!  Ohhh…I could just eat an entire cheesecake…

Take ME out to the ball game!

After watching a rousing Space Super Bowl, the gang put aside their differences so they could play a friendly game of space flag football.  Everyone was ready for a fun game, but no one more than Stormtrooper.  Before the fun began, Captains Obi-Wan and Darth Vader played a quick game of space rock-paper-scissors to see who would get to pick first.

Obi-Wan: Paper covers rock.
Darth Vader: Drat.
Obi-Wan: Paper covers rock. Again.  Vader, your ‘nothing beats rock’ strategy is altogether too predictable.
Darth Vader: Just pick!

Stormtrooper: Ooh!  Ooh!
Obi-Wan: Master Yoda, I would be honored to have you on my team.
Yoda: Hee hee hee!  Low-five give me!

Stormtrooper: Ooh, pick me, Mr. Vader. I’m awesome at this, I swear!
Darth Vader: Boba Fett, remove your attention from Solo and join me.
Boba Fett:
Stormtrooper: Oh, man…

Obi-Wan: Admiral Akbar, your strategic acumen will be indispensable.
Admiral Akbar: It’s a trap!!
Obi-Wan: No, I assure you, we’re all perfectly safe here.  All light sabers and blasters have been de-activated.
Stormtrooper: Aww, nuts. <kick>  Ow!
Han Solo: Man, his face looks so weird.  Like someone took a dead fish and-
Leia: Han!

Darth Vader: Imperial Guard, to me.
Stormtrooper: Well, I guess he does outrank me.  Hey, Red!  High five!
Imperial Guard: …No…
Stormtrooper: Oh.  Ok, sure.  No high five.  Right.  Sir.

Obi-Wan: Let’s see, I think I’ll pick…
Stormtrooper: Me?!  Me!  Yes!  Forget you Vader, you can take your Empire and stuff it!

Obi-Wan: No, I’m afraid not, Mr. Stormtrooper.
Stormtrooper: Yes!  Stormtrooper FTW!  Wait, what?
Obi-Wan: Princess Leia, please, your grit would be a perfect addition to our team.
Stormtrooper: Leia?!  Oh, what?  Solo, why do you always have to bring your stupid girlfriend to these things?  That was my turn.
Darth Vader: What was it you said I can do with my Empire?
Stormtrooper: What?  Hey, what are you talking about?  That was…that was the fish face guy.  I was sticking up for you, remember?

Darth Vader: Oh, my, things are really dropping off, aren’t they?  Well, Eddie, I suppose your the best I can do now.
Eddie: I brought my own helmet!
Darth Vader: Yes…of course.  Wonderful.
Stormtrooper: Doo do doo…just walking along behind Eddie…don’t mind me…I’ll just hang out over here…

Darth Vader: Back! <Force Shove> I didn’t rise to the command of an Imperial Battle Station by letting Stormtroopers do whatever they please.
Obi-Wan: Quickly, Luke!  Quickly!  Before he gets up again!

Darth Vader: Q6-Z9, come.
Stormtrooper: Take me with you, please!  I’m so good!
Q6-Z9:  BEEP!  BOOP!  BEEEEEEEP!
Stormtrooper: Ow!
Darth Vader: Desperation is a stinky perfume, Stormtrooper.

Obi-Wan: Mr. Solo, if you’d be so kind.
Han Solo: Ha!  In your face, Stormtrooper!

Stormtrooper: Hey, I guess that means I’m on your team, right Mr. Vader?  Red?  Eddie?  Hey, where’s everybody going?

Han Solo: Chewie said he’d get the ball.  He should be right over here somewhere.
Stormtrooper: Hey, wait up, guys!  I’m-oh!  Oof!  Owwwww…my face smashed on the inside of my Stormtrooper helmet…

All: Aw, crap.
Stormtrooper: Alright, we get the ball first!
Han Solo: Chewie, we can’t play with that, it’s too big.
Chewbacca: AAWOOOGHHAWW!!?
Han Solo: No, nobody wants to play space chess!  Gah, you’re the worst.  Come on, let’s just go back inside and eat the rest of the pizza.
Stormtrooper: Alright, I’m awesome at space chess!  I’ll kick your butt!
Chewbacca: AaaaWwwWOOOaaaA!
Stormtrooper: Aw, come on, that’s just mean.  Jeez…

How To Tame A Wild Beast* in Four Easy Steps

Step 1.  Approach your intended target with caution.  Untamed wild beasts can pose serious threats of death or dismemberment to those who are unprepared.  If you own a force pike, or if you can borrow one from a friend, keep it at the ready until you are sure the wild beast has been successfully tamed.

Step 2. Tame the wild beast with the magic trick of staring into its yellow eyes without blinking once.  This, of course, is the tricky part.  It should be noted that the magic trick also works with beasts that have blue, green, brown, pink, red, and orange colored eyes.  Anecdotal evidence suggests that it may work on beasts with eyes of heliotrope and/or puce, but use your best judgment in those situations.  For more information on the magic trick itself, please consult your local Jedi or Sith lord.

Step 3. With caution, climb atop the beast.  Not only does this maneuver clearly demonstrate your dominance over the wild beast, it also opens up the possibility of riding the wild beast around which, let’s be honest, is pretty awesome.

Step 4. Once you have successfully tamed the wild beast, it will follow your commands without hesitation, and you may do with it what you will.  You may decide to: have your wild beast plow fallow fields for agricultural purposes; strike fear and dismay into the hearts of your enemies; use the wild beast as a cheap and environmentally-friendly means of transportation; return home as a conquering hero and collect the accolades and rewards you are due; &c.

Whatever you decide to do with your newly-tamed wild beast, be sure to show it off to your friends because they will be totally jealous (and, possibly, totally devoured, depending on the wildness of the beast).

*Please note that this technique does not work on wildebeests.

No, I am your Pappy…

A clue from an Imperial droid that was down on its luck has brought Luke to a new planet in search of his father whose true identity remains a mystery.  Hopeful he will be able to find more information, Luke climbs down from his X-Wing and sets out on his search.

What’s this?  Something left behind by Pappy Van Winkle?  Who could this mysterious “Pappy” be?  Is it something left behind by Luke’s very own Pappy?  Luke isn’t sure, but adventurous spirit that he is, he can see only one course of action to find out more.

Luke bravely climbs to the summit and inserts his trusty Jedi straw into the liquid that “Pappy” left behind.  Little does he realize, however, that he has walked right into a trap!  The fiendish Darth Vader looks on gleefully expectant.

Darth Vader celebrates his success.  With Luke out of commission, thanks to the powerful effect of some especially powerful spirits, the dark lord can take the young Jedi’s starship for his own.

While he is rejoicing, however, Darth Vader feels a sharp pang of compassion in his semi-mechanical heart.  Now that’s a feeling I have not felt in a long time…a long time, thinks Vader.  He isn’t sure what it means, except that he will be forced to change his plans.

Being as careful as he can to avoid large rocks, Darth Vader drags Luke back to his X-Wing…

…And covers him up for what will surely be a fitful sleep.

As Vader walks away, leaving the helpless, hapless Luke to sleep off his mistake, he hopes silently to himself that the young Jedi will learn from this experience and not be so hasty in the future.  Perhaps then, Vader thinks, the boy will become a truly worthy adversaryAnd then there will surely be no room for mercy in my heart…