Han Solo was jetting around the galaxy looking for adventure when his plane collided with a space bird and he crash landed on the strange, seemingly uninhabited planet Lophocebus.
He explored this strange new planet for days looking for any sign of life. He found nothing: no people, no aliens, no plantlife. As he continued to explore, he became more and more hungry. Before he knew it, he was on the verge of starvation.
Of course he did. He parked himself under that tree and gobbled down space banana after space banana until his hunger was sated. “That is the best damn fruit I’ve ever eaten!” he exclaimed, patting his full stomach. “Who knows when I’ll find something else to eat?” he asked himself. “I’m going to grab up as many space bananas as I can carry.”
As Han was busy amassing a pile, he occupied his mind with thoughts of Leia and rescue and fixing his ship. He was so busy with his work and thoughts that he didn’t notice The Evil Monkey Warlord of Lophocebus sneaking up on him. “Who dares to poach my most delicious space bananas?” he whispered in an evil voice. “I’ll fix him!”
But before The Evil Monkey Warlord could grab Han, Chewie flew up in his rescue helicopter and picked up Han (and the space bananas), shuttering him to safety. “Curses!” shouted The Evil Monkey Warlord. “He’s escaped with my space bananas! Thief! Poacher!”
Eager for revenge, The Evil Monkey Warlord called upon Boba Fett. He put out a bounty on Han’s head. “Not again,” sighed Boba Fett. He rolled his eyes and took off, heading towards Han’s usual haunts.
Han was back with his friends, going on and on about how wonderfully awesome the space bananas from the strange planet were. He wouldn’t let anyone taste them, though. He was planning to make ice cream. Now, this might seem out of character for Han, being the macho manly-man that he is, but being stuck on a strange, uninviting planet with nothing to eat and almost starving to death puts things into perspective, even for a bonehead like Han. He wanted to show his friends how much he appreciated them. He also asked them never to tell anyone about this foray into domesticity.
Everyone was engrossed in Han’s explanation of what was left to be done to finish the banana ice cream. They had never heard Han talk so excitedly about anything other than adventure before, and wanted to show him that they liked this side of him. While they were listening closely, Darth Vader, always lurking nearby, snuck up and dumped some poison into the mix. He didn’t know what would happen to the crew, but he was sure it would be funny.
“All right, guys! Here it is! You’re gonna love it!”
“Wow, Han, this looks amazing!” exclaimed Leia.
“Yeah, just great,” added Luke.
“HUNNGHNNNNGH!” agreed Chewie.
The three dug in while Han watched with great satisfaction.
Luke, Leia, and Chewie threw up Han’s delicious concoction.
“Oh no!” exclaimed Han. “What could have gone wrong?”
“Han, how could you?” moaned Leia. “What did you put in this ice cream? Are you trying to kill us?” she managed to get out before she vomited again.
“I’d never expect this from you Han!” groaned Luke. “What won’t you do for an adventure?”
“AUUUUGHGGGGGHHHHNNNNGHHHH,” moaned Chewie as another wave of nausea and barf overtook him.
Darth Vader hid in the background and chuckled as he watched the grossness unfold.
Luke, Leia, and Chewie writhed on the ground in pain, holding their stomachs while Han ran away, covering his face in embarrassment. At that moment, Boba Fett flew in. “Where’s Han Solo?” he demanded from the crew, ignoring their condition. Angry that Han would poison them in the name of adventure, they pointed at his retreating figure before puking one last time. Boba Fett took off after Han.
“Well, well, well, Solo. We meet again. The Evil Monkey Warlord of planet Lophocebus has put out a bounty on your head and I’m here to collect. You know that resistance is futile. You also might notice that I’ve been watching Star Trek. Those Borg…Wait! Yes. Resistance is futile. Come with me or prepare to be assimilated – I mean or I’ll obliterate you.” So Han went with Boba Fett, off to certain doom.
Finally finished vomiting, but too weak to move, Luke, Leia, and Chewie sat up and looked at each other. “Can you believe that Han?” asked Luke.
“Oh, I can!” answered Leia. “I wouldn’t put anything past him. Anything for an adventure. Well, he’s got one now!”
“NAUGGGH!” shouted Chewie, pointing off in the distance. Luke and Leia looked where Chewie was pointing and saw Darth Vader scurrying away.
“You don’t think…?” started Luke.
“It was Vader all along!” wailed Leia. “And we sent Han off with that Boba Fett again! What have we done?”
What will become of our well-intentioned friend Han Solo? Will Boba Fett and The Evil Monkey Warlord finally get the best of him? How will his friends live with themselves after finding out the truth about their poisoning? Stay tuned…this is TO BE CONTINUED!